


I'm not sure I want to be saved anymore

by HongBabe



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Depression, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, teen!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 11:43:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8577154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HongBabe/pseuds/HongBabe
Summary: Hongbin is 16 and isn't sure he's gonna make it to 17.





	

"Hongbin, you're here because your mother is worried about you. I'm here for you. I'm here because I want to help you, but you have to let me help you. It's hard to know what to do when you won't tell me what's wrong. You've been here three times already and you still haven't said a word to me. I can't force you to open up, but it would really mean a lot to me and to your mother if you would just take some of that burden off of your shoulders and talked to me. So please, tell me what's bothering you."

  
"Do you want me to be _really_ honest? No white lies? No bullshit? Ok, but just keep in mind that you were the one who asked for this.

To be really fucking honest, I hate this. I really, _really_ , hate this. I'm sad because I'm never happy anymore. I'm too depressed to spend time with anyone. Not that I know anyone besides a few people online.

I joke a lot about not having friends, but in times like these, when I spend most of my hours awake crying about how pathetic I am, I just wish I had someone to be there for me. Someone who would tell me that it's all going to be ok, even though we both know it's not. I just wish I had _someone_. Just _one_ person that would actually care if I stayed alive or not.

It's hard having all these thoughts in your head when there's no one who can silence them. _"Nothing you say means anything." "No one cares about you. No one cares about your opinion." "This is why you don't have friends or anyone who cares about you."_ And the thing that makes this even worse is that the voices in my head are _memories_. They're words I've actually have had said to me face to face. In real life. They're not imaginary demons or anything. I'm not crazy. I just have a hard time forgetting.

Some days I can't even dress myself. Some days I can't even get out of my fucking bed. It's too all too much for me and I'm not even sure why! I don't go to school, I don't do anything at home, I don't do SHIT but I still have anxiety over my life! I'm stressed about not doing anything! That doesn't even make sense to _me_!

Most days I just wake up in the afternoon, go online for a bit, listen to some music, draw a bit if I have the motivation to, which I usually don't have, and then I go to sleep again!

Some days I don't even leave my room. I can go days without eating or drinking anything. Some days I don't even go to the fucking bathroom because I can't get myself out of bed! I can go weeks without showering, because I can't get myself out of my room for that long.

I lock the door to my room when I'm in there so my mom won't have to see the mess I've become.

I'm so tired of it all. Im tired of living like this. I'm tired of living. Period. I'm tired of staying alive just in case things gets better. I'm tired of it all. I'm 16! I should be out with my friends having the time of my life! But I'm not. I don't have any friends and I'm not even sure I have a life.  
I want to end all of this, but I haven't done it just in case my family would be sad. I'm sure they would get over it pretty quickly, since I'm not that memorable, but I would t want them to be sad because of me. So that's why I'm still alive.  
And yes, I have tried to end it, but as you can probably see, that didn't go as planned. So I'm still here. Still a disappointment to the family. Still the same old fucking pathetic guy that I always am.

I'm not sure I can do this much longer. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared my mind will get me, and that will be the end of me. Sure, I wouldn't mind dying, but I don't want my mom finding me unconscious on the floor having taken the life of her son either.

When I was 8 years old, my sister tried to take her own life. When the hospital called my mom and told her about it, her face went _pale_. She started crying and was having a hard time breathing. She looked like she'd been to hell and back in just a second. I promised myself that night that I would _never_ make mom cry like that again. But I'm not sure I can keep that promise for much longer.

I promised myself that if I would ever get to that level of nothingness inside, I would seek help. I would ask for someone to save me. But in this moment, I'm not even sure if I want to be saved anymore.."

**Author's Note:**

> It's really crappy I know sry


End file.
